In this week’s issue here’s what we are sniffing out

• Guest author and senior dog doula Courtney Wennerstrom talks about anticipatory grief

Anticipatory grief is real, and you’re not alone in feeling it

Anticipatory grief is one of the many challenges that we face with our old pups, but I feel like it’s not one of the more commonly recognized. It’s not something my clients all have a name for, even though most, if not all of them, experience it. We all know that our aging pets will develop conditions or diseases that we have to manage for them. We often know we will have to make accommodations to our homes and lives to support them as they slow down in their final years. And whether we like to think about it or not, we are aware on some level we won’t have our pets with us forever. But in working with so many geriatric dogs and their humans over the years, I’m finding that anticipatory grief really just tends to blindside us. We may begin to experience grief while our old pets are still alive when it becomes clear we don’t have long left with them.

When it became clear that our first dog, Ally, was declining, I was so sad; I couldn’t imagine life without her. I was so worried that I would forget the smell of her fur, the softness of it, the sparkle of pure joy in her eyes when she was playing ball. But at the same time, she required a lot more care at the end, and I was tired. I felt SO guilty anytime my mind wandered to the future… how nice it would be to sleep through the night; to be able to have lunch with a friend or go to the doctor without paying a pet sitter to keep her safe and comfortable, because she couldn’t be left alone. Now that we’ve adopted so many old dogs, I recognize these feelings as part of anticipatory grief. Grieving a pet ahead of time helps us adapt to our loss over more time, vs all at once when they die.

Many of my clients admit to feeling guilty that they have thoughts about how life will be easier when their dog is gone: no more back pain from helping a large dog stand up; getting back to traveling more; not having to set alarms to remember to give 4-5 time a day medicines. I feel that it’s important to mention specifically that looking toward the future shouldn’t cause guilt when you think of some little ways that life might be easier without your dog. Many of us have no idea the accommodations we’ve made in our daily lives to manage an elderly dog’s (or other pet or family member’s) care. I see that all the time in my clients, and it builds so gradually that many people don’t even know it’s happening. Looking toward the future is a sign of hope, and it is an integral piece of successfully moving through grief.

This week, I’m handing off the main article to my friend Courtney, who is also an advocate for senior dogs. She specializes in helping people who either have dogs at the end of their golden years, or people who are grieving the loss of a pet. She’s an end of life pet doula, and a pet loss grief specialist. Courtney is more formally educated about the finer points of grief and loss than I am, so she’s the perfect person to present this really important article on anticipatory grief.

Anticipatory Grief…Mourning Our Dogs Before They are Gone…

Dogs are basically furry rays of sunshine that fill our lives with immeasurable joy. But bonding with them deeply also comes with the heavy burden of knowing that we will likely outlive them. No matter how well we care for our canine companions - and despite our Herculean efforts to keep them as happy and healthy as possible - they are simply never with us long enough. As pet parents, we accept the responsibility of loving our dogs for their entire existence, knowing full well they likely won’t be around for all of ours. This means that - as dog lovers  - we often say very hard goodbyes to multiple beloved canines during our lifetimes. 

Moreover, losing a pet is one of the most excruciating things we will ever endure. Yet culturally and socially, pet loss remains what we call disenfranchised grief -meaning it is not widely understood, recognized, or properly supported. Despite their incredible importance to our hearts and psyches, there are still very few culturally sanctioned rituals for mourning and honoring our dogs - such as public funerals, wakes, paid bereavement time off of work, and so forth. Worse, because we live in a death-phobic society, we do not speak openly or frequently enough about this agonizing part of pet guardianship - which can make us feel severely isolated or alone just when we need support and connection the most.

Yet this lack of acknowledgment goes against psychologists' collective advice that we take pet loss seriously. Therefore, it is critical to create space to help each other process our grief - as well as to discuss the fact that many of us begin mourning well before our dogs have physically left our sides.

But how can this be? And is it normal?

What is Anticipatory Grief?

Just as the phrase suggests, anticipatory grief happens before - rather than after - a loss. Although we can feel pangs of dread any time we are confronted with our dogs’ mortality - at the first signs of hearing loss or even a graying muzzle, for instance - anticipatory grief is especially pronounced  after receiving a terminal diagnosis or otherwise being forced to come to terms with our dog’s inevitable decline. 

Stanford Medicine defines this stage of bereavement as “the grieving of someone who is still alive” and explains that it “is common among caregivers of those with degenerative or terminal illnesses”. While they are primarily referring to human someones here - this certainly resonates for dog someones as well. After all, we are not simply our dogs’ primary caregivers when they are old or sick, but rather we are -  and remain - their primary caregivers, period. Naturally, we are likely to experience a wide range of complex and painful emotions - including depression, sorrow, despair, anger, stress, worry, guilt, fear, or dread - as we try to prepare for their deaths and imagine our lives without them.

According to Adrienne Farricelli, the five stages of anticipatory grief during pet loss include shock, hope, fear, frustration, and anxiety. But the knowledge that our pets will soon transition can also elicit denial, anger, bargaining, and depression - mirroring the stages of grief commonly associated with losing a person. It is therefore quite common for people to feel a lot of harrowing emotions when facing pet loss. 

Ways to Cope

The grieving process is unpredictable, erratic, and rarely linear. But it is also normal, if deeply personal. Renowned psychologist and expert on pet bereavement, Wallace Sife, believes that that almost any attempt to define grief becomes “vague and generalized” because it is as unique to us - to our personalities and worldviews- as are our relationships to our dogs. So there is no set formula for how we will move through it. 

However, giving ourselves grace and compassion will help us navigate the emotional rollercoaster of pre-mourning our pets. As Farricelli explains, it is damaging to undermine the reality of what we are going through or repress any difficult emotions that arise since it only exacerbates the intensity of our anguish:

Recognizing the phenomenon of anticipatory grief experienced by dog owners is almost as important or perhaps as equally important as recognizing the grieving process. It is totally normal to go through a vast array of emotions during this time. It's equally important for the dog owner to recognize these emotions rather than try to suppress them and deny their existence.

In other words, we owe it to ourselves to practice self-care and other meaningful strategies to stay strong and resilient throughout the process. Although there is no way to avoid it, there is still quite a bit we can do to cope with anticipatory grief.

To begin, it can be comforting to focus on the present. Recently, I was mindlessly scrolling on my phone when my sassy husky mix, Sasha, began pawing and howling at me for attention. Of course, I cracked up and was instantly transported back to reality, where Sasha and Saint (our other husky) were playfully vying for my affection. In so many ways, dogs encourage us to focus on what’s right in front of us. As highly sensitive and engaged beings, this is one of their greatest strengths and best gifts: reminding us to be fully in the moment. 

So if we find ourselves wracked with worry, despair, or a sense of impending doom at the thought of saying goodbye, it behooves us to take deep breaths and remember that our dogs are still here. If you can, try to slow down and love them as hard as you can. 

Finally, I recommend connecting with others who are going through - or have experienced - pet loss. Engaging with a supportive community, including empathetic family and friends or a local pet loss support group - can help assure us that we are in good company.  The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement is a wonderful resource as well, particularly if you cannot find a support group in your area. They even offer specific support for anticipatory grief. And if you do not feel equipped to manage your grief, please seek out the help of a licensed clinical psychologist. There are many kind and loving humans who understand and are capable of lessening  your pain…so  you do not have to go through this experience by yourself.   

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• High Paws

• Pooped in the House